what's that email about a reason, a season, and a lifetime...

How can a person CLAIM to want to be a better (fill-in-the-blank), but not be willing to change a single trait about his/her self? If this person has a problem, say... with EGO and says aloud repeatedly that he/she would like to not allow it to get in the way of relationships any longer, shouldn't that person focus on not allowing his/her pride to continuously draw a wedge in some of his/her most important relationships? I can not for the life of me understand how a person can think it is better to push those around him/her away than to actually focus on problem areas and WORK on them. I know work isn't fun and all, but it is pretty necessary to achieve most of the happiness this world has to offer.

I just hate having to come to terms with the fact that this person is not supposed to be in my life any longer. I need to be surrounded by goal-oriented, self-motivated people. I have too many aspirations to ALLOW road blocks into my daily life. I slowed myself down long enough, and now there's no more time for breaks.

sad birthday

So today is my Grandpa's birthday. Well, I guess it would have been. I don't know how it works once they're gone. But I do know I miss him more than I ever thought possible. I haven't even fully allowed myself to accept and deal with the reality of his passing. It's so hard to think that just one year ago he was still at home and he was able to interact with everyone almost 100% while we celebrated his birthday with a proper English tea party. It just doesn't seem real that he's gone. It doesn't seem possible that his life changed so much in just six months. And that he was gone two months after that. I would give anything to hug him again. I would give anything to be able to tell him I love him and Happy Birthday. I just hope this will get easier with time.

a little bit of self-discovery

So I'm sitting here teaching myself an entire semester's worth of economics. Why didn't I learn it during the semester? The same reason I'll have to teach myself the last 6 chapters of my accounting textbook before Monday's final (which thank the LORD is not cumulative!). I can't stand either teacher, and for the simple reason that neither of them bothers to TEACH us the subject. A smart student (which I tend to think I am) would spend their time studying and teaching themselves the material throughout the course of the semester. But I am stubborn and have punished noone but myself by silently boycotting these men. And now I have until 9am Saturday morning to learn 17 chapters about economics, a subject I already dislike and tend to avoid. Way to go me. I'm hoping that by documenting this discovery, I will never repeat this stupid behavior. I'll keep you posted next semester.

trying to get past BLAH

Tomorrow being Thanksgiving is really messing with my head. I feel crazy this week. So I'm going to blame PMS and roll with it. I am so overwhelmed by how quickly this year has passed. I feel like I'm devoting all my time to work and school and missing out on LIFE. But I try to focus on the fun things I have done this year. It's not like I became a hermit and haven't done any living, I just can't seem to shift the focus from never-ending responsibilities. It's like that's all there is now. Balance the checkbook... Pay the bills... Save money to buy a house... Go to work... Go to school... Clean the house... Beat myself up for not exercising. I have achieved so much over the past year and half, but I can't stop telling myself that I'm not good enough. And the craziest thing about it is that EVERY person I have a relationship with is full of praise for me and my accomplishments. I do not have a single person telling me that I should be doing more, or doing better, or that I am less than amazing. How do I ignore it if it's in my own head? How do I lighten my load of stress when I am the one making it heavier and heavier? I didn't even realize THIS is what would come pouring out. Back to Thanksgiving...

I have so much to be thankful for. And I have every intention of focusing on that tomorrow. But tonight, all day today really, I have felt so weighed down. Tomorrow is the first Thanksgiving in my life that I will not see any of my family. It will be only the second time that my whole family won't be getting together. I thought for sure that with this being the first holiday season without my grandfather, my family would make it a priority to give my grandmother a family home to go to and celebrate. But what do I know? I guess at some point as adults, we have to accept change and not pout about it. But don't expect me to not be sad about it on the inside.

so distractable

Ugh. This is so frustrating. I can't figure my own head out. I'm at Panera attempting to read my economics chapters, but I can't read more than a couple paragraphs before I start staring off into space. It's usually only this bad at home. But apparently now I can't focus anywhere. I don't know how to make myself get in the groove.



It actually just occurred to me that I had this problem last semester after the stress got so bad I had developed the eye twitch. So maybe I need to find some time to research stress fixes other than medication. Don't get me wrong, I've never been one to turn down the quick fix that pills offer. But I'll be in school at least another two and a half years. That seems like a long time to be dependent on medication to deal with an overwhelming schedule. Oh, this is just another reason that I can add to the list of why I shouldn't have to work once I'm going to a university! Student loans really aren't looking that bad now, compared to the stress of working full-time and being a student full-time. Hmmm.

Ok I'm going to give this another shot...

I've been avoiding this...

I've been putting this off for a couple weeks now, for fear that my first blog wouldn't be good enough to be the FIRST. But I'm just going to dive in and see what happens.

There's lots going on currently ... well always I guess. Last week I received an invitation letter to the international honor society for two year schools, Phi Theta Kappa. I went to the orientation Friday night and they convinced me it would be in my best interest to join. So now I'll have an awesome cap and gown when I graduate in May! (See the pic? That'll be me ... LOL) Oh, and even better, new opportunities for scholarships!! Yay! And while I'm on the topic of school, I decided over the weekend that I'm going to apply to A&M for admission next fall. I'm pretty terrified that they will reject me, but I have never wanted to go to any other university. So I should at least try, right? Jeff is being incredibly supportive and participating in this crazy idea of moving, and possibly buying our first house there instead of here, and oh yeah... finding work. But who knows?? Maybe it's our destiny.

I'm going to wrap this one up for now. I have to get my booty over to school so I can learn how to account.